Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I'm feeling overloaded with working on this house and a meeting with contractors coming up tomorrow about the other house. And issues at work and going out of town to a conference.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The service ended with this song (from this album).
When I was small and adults abused me, I though I deserved it. I thought there must be some evil in me that they recognized, that made me deserve abuse. I think I just couldn't bear to believe that their hurtful behavior was totally out of my control. I wanted to believe that if only I did the right thing they would stop hurting me. If it was my fault then I could stop the pain by changing myself, which seemed much more possible than changing them.
It has been hard to accept that I was powerless, that it wasn't my fault. It is so easy to fall back into thinking if only I had tried harder, if only I had kept saying no, maybe I could have stopped them. The first step isn't to forgive them, it is to believe that I was small and scared and had no control over the behavior of adults. To believe that whatever I did or didn't do, the abuse was not my fault. If we could first believe that everyone deserves to be honored, to be treated with respect and kindness, even ourselves, then it seems to me that forgiveness takes on a different meaning. It may take a long time to get there, and that is ok.
Friday, March 27, 2009
John is usually pretty conservative in his tastes, but he seemed to enjoy it a lot. I actually had more trouble wrapping my mind around it because I grew up with such a conservative idea of ballet (my mother had a friend who danced for New York City Ballet in the 1960s). I'm glad we went.
I'm probably not going to stay up to watch (via live blogging) Tony finish his marathon swim (26 miles in a pool!), but I am moved by his dedication.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The doctor was concerned about fall prevention. John said the last time he fell was over Christmas. It startled me to have the doctor see the possibility of John going rapidly downhill--I've been focused on not knowing whether that will happen with Aunt Florence.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I'm thinking of going onto an antidepressant myself. House renovations and then moving this summer, and putting this house on the market, seem like more than I can bear. And we may well have to deal with Aunt Florence's stuff as well. She is now wondering if she should move to the assisted living section of her retirement community, which would mean she would have room for much less.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
I took our daughter to her first gynecologist appointment and met with the realtor about this house. His suggested price is what I was hoping, so that is a bit of good news. Much to juggle.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I'm trying to remember that it may be true that if I don't do it myself it won't get done right, but that is ok.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
I discovered that I was missing property tax information because I hadn't paid the tax. Oops. I'm sure the bill got sent to the company for the mortage we paid off instead of to us, but I paid another property tax and never realized I hadn't paid the tax for our home. Taxes are embarrassingly low down here so the penalty is not a big deal. But it makes me feel incompetent and overloaded. I should at least be glad that I've found all the information the tax preparer needs.
I was in a hurry to get this year's taxes done because of college financial aid forms but it has become clear that we won't get any aid, except at one school that offers scholarships for in-state students. I wrote some letters explaining our situation but our son doesn't qualify because of a savings account my father established for him, before considering parents' income. I'm glad our son has the money for college but it makes me feel badly about not helping him much.
The big task for the break is house matters. I was reading about basement refinishing last night and discovered that there is a better approach than what I have been hearing so far--wall and floor products that will not grow mold. I have an appointment with the designer tomorrow but the two contractors I called yesterday haven't called me back yet. We have an appointment Monday with the realtor who will list our current house and I had a good conversation with him on the phone. He used to be our travel agent so John feels comfortable with him. I'm dreading what he is going to say about what we should do to make the house look better, but I've already told him that is going to be a problem for us.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
John tends not to get around to things until late afternoon or evening, so after dinner he took our son to Walmart to buy new watches. John says he is now convinced of the possible benefits of a watch that has three alarms (Timex Expedition is what I usually buy).
Monday, March 09, 2009
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Thursday, March 05, 2009
We went from the doctor's office to the Alzheimer's early stages support group, so we were 10 minutes early. We talked for a few minutes in the car and then when other people started to arrive I said I was going to go in and be sociable. John said he was going to sit in the car and read until time for the meeting to start; 2 hours was enough sociability. I was startled by that, that he sees socializing as such a strain. The person he likes best in the group arrived late, perhaps it would have been different if that person had arrived earlier.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Monday, March 02, 2009
It was quite late in the morning and he hadn't eaten, but he had been drinking water. I asked the technician if it could be a result of low blood pressure and she said yes. But it still seems strange that he has started having problems--his blood pressure isn't that low and he doesn't have small veins.
He called the credit card company and it turns out the credit card I was worried about is actually in both names rather than having him as primary. We lowered the credit limit--not as much as I would have liked but it is some protection.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
I had no idea that the process took so long. I've been aware of changes for at least five years, though the first change was that my periods became regular for the first time in my life. I've had mild hot flashes for years--the only problem is that I wake up at night and throw off the covers and then wake up again freezing. Then I went through at least a year of three months on, three months off.
It has only been four months but I see more changes, so I think I am finally done that stage. The hot flashes are a little more noticeable, but still not a problem. The dryness is what I notice most. I've long used Astroglide, but this is all the time. I was surprised how hard a time I had finding non-medical non-herbal remedies on the web. My symptoms aren't bothering me enough to make me want to alter the natural process, I just want something to soothe the dryness. What I've found that looks very promising to me is grapeseed oil.
link added later: here's more on my experience