shoulder

I had a very sore shoulder yesterday--I left swim practice early in tears. It felt almost as sore when I woke up this morning, and by evening the soreness was almost gone. I did think from the beginning that it felt like muscle soreness, not an injury, but that is still weird. I happened to have a massage appointment yesterday and my massage therapist told me that according to a mind-body therapist he works with, shoulders carry grief. I don't feel like I have made any progress in working throught my grief that would make my shoulders better. I did spend an hour in a gathered silence group yesterday, but today has just been busy with work.

I'm doing Community of Hope pastoral care training at church and last night's session was about grief. I asked what is grief, anyway, and how do you feel it? What I finally figured out this morning is that grief isn't a feeling (like happiness or sadness or anger), it is a whole lot of different feelings that come as one adjusts to a loss or change.

An email from JW inspires me to give a little background. My father was a good person and a positive figure in my life, but he was very emotionally shut down. He showed love in actions, never in words or gestures. What strikes me now about losing him is how it changes the pattern and balance of family relationships. And I've lost my dream that this time I would be able to say goodbye--my first father died in an automobile accident a month before my third birthday.

tribute

I'm working on writing a tribute for my father. So many people would want to speak that it is going to be strictly limited to my father's sisters and daughters to keep the service short. My father's sisters and one of my sisters want to do readings, and my other sister wants to talk about what he meant to her. So any more general tribute will be what I do. My mother doesn't want a formal eulogy, so I am trying to put together brief telling anecdotes that add up to something like a story.

home again/Sept. training

I'm home after a weekend in Massachusetts with my mother. It went smoothly, but I don't think I am up to writing about it yet. I have started to write a tribute to my father for the memorial service Oct. 29.

So my month of training instead:

swim: 11 workouts, 10 hrs. 40 min
bike: 14 workouts, 24 hours
run: 12 workouts, 30 miles

The swim and bike are almost double the last couple of months and the run is 25% more, so I am happy with those numbers.

tired

I am currently teaching an STS course to about 125 students, and they tend to get very passive. Yesterday I started out by tying the history I wanted to cover (early textile factories in the U.S.) to current issues (via the theme of technology and democracy). I asked them about some currents issues and got no response. I felt angry and realized I was feeling angry because of all my feelings about my father. And then I decided to use that anger, and I told my students in no uncertain terms that they had better care because these things are going to have a big impact on their lives. I think it was a useful rant--they certainly paid more attention the rest of the class period.

I will be going up to Concord tomorrow just for the weekend, with my daughter. I had a lot of things I needed to get done this week, but I have had all day today to work in my office and I have made good progress.

things are smoothing out

My mother found a funeral director in London willing to expedite the process and she and my sisters will be flying home tomorrow evening with the ashes (in a plastic box so that security doesn't have to inspect it). My daughter and I will go up to Massachusetts Friday just for the weekend.

I turned off my alarm this morning because the night before I lay awake and so I wanted to catch up on my sleep. That didn't work, though at least I slept until almost 5 am (a lot better than 3:30) and then I got up and went running. There were many cars going to the track, probably the big army ROTC group. So I decided to run on the road instead--part of it has a huge shoulder and part is a dead-end road to the sewage treatment plant so it is fairly safe running in the dark. It was lovely--the stars were bright and the dead end part of the road runs on top of the dike along the lake. I felt strong running up the gentle hills and fast running down and the temperature was perfect.

my father

shocking news

I learned a couple of hours ago that my (step)father died suddenly of a massive stroke this morning. I'm still in shock, not feeling anything clear yet. What happens next isn't going to be known for a while--my parents were getting ready to board a plane in London to come home from a trip. At least one of my sisters is going to London tonight.

Update: My mother called my sister this morning and said he was dead, but that turns out to have been premature. When they took him off the ventilator he didn't immediately die (as the doctor had predicted). Apparently it is just a matter of hours while the blood seeps down into the brain stem.

Further update: He died peacefully about 8:15 pm eastern U.S. time, one in the morning there.