Friday, October 07, 2005


I had a very sore shoulder yesterday--I left swim practice early in tears. It felt almost as sore when I woke up this morning, and by evening the soreness was almost gone. I did think from the beginning that it felt like muscle soreness, not an injury, but that is still weird. I happened to have a massage appointment yesterday and my massage therapist told me that according to a mind-body therapist he works with, shoulders carry grief. I don't feel like I have made any progress in working throught my grief that would make my shoulders better. I did spend an hour in a gathered silence group yesterday, but today has just been busy with work.

I'm doing Community of Hope pastoral care training at church and last night's session was about grief. I asked what is grief, anyway, and how do you feel it? What I finally figured out this morning is that grief isn't a feeling (like happiness or sadness or anger), it is a whole lot of different feelings that come as one adjusts to a loss or change.

An email from JW inspires me to give a little background. My father was a good person and a positive figure in my life, but he was very emotionally shut down. He showed love in actions, never in words or gestures. What strikes me now about losing him is how it changes the pattern and balance of family relationships. And I've lost my dream that this time I would be able to say goodbye--my first father died in an automobile accident a month before my third birthday.

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