John spoke today (when we met with the therapist) about feeling I have put up my barriers and disconnected from him. He said he feels like I love him but I don't like him. I didn't know what to say--he was upset and it seemed cruel to say there is some truth in that. Last week I gave him a book I liked very much that I thought might help open up more sharing. John said today that he found the book completely foreign to who he is.
After I came home I happened to read a story (Christian) on the internet about the importance of being true to our feelings (this link goes to part three, but has links at the beginning to parts 1 and 2). I feel like my only choices are to betray myself to keep him content or to betray him.
It has been one of my philosophies of life that there are always more than two alternatives. But I'm still not feeling well and I'm too low to think of any right now.
Monday, December 08, 2008
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The respect for the Father and loving but not liking the LBD patient...the feelings of guilt for not doing enough, reacting instead of understanding, even thoughts of life after the ordeal were all the hardest for me.
Unfortuntely, of all the things I recall of the years of watching Daddy slip away, those feelings of mine are the clearest memories.
Pam, you must stop and enjoy even a few seconds here and there of John when he is himself; or as close as he will get. I always thought there might be a better day...but those days if they happen are only minutes or seconds.
The guilt of having been inadequate in caring for my dad is not going away. The further I get from it, the more I think I shortened his scattered, but fully aware life by my mistakes. As Anonymous from Australia says, it is difficult to reverse rolls, difficult to become the one in charge and responsible for this other person that was always the one in control. I'm sure you and John were not in the sort of command and control situation we were and are with our parents, but in our society, even a balanced marriage has certain expectations.
Learning to take over family responsibilities the formerly reponsible person carried is nothing short of difficult. Not because the task is hard, but because of the mental obstructions we place along the road. For me, it seemed I was "pushing" Daddy out. Taking over before I should. Thus the guilt. Could I have done more? Yes. Could I have been more understanding and responsive? Yes. Could I have driven myself crazy doing it? Yes.
So I tell myself I did my best. My friends tell me I did more than others would have done. Still it is not good enough. If I had been perfect in every way, it still would not have been enough; and the beauty of the internet...we can learn from each other, and hopefully reduce mistakes and increase the understanding.
My best...
Pauline
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