October training

swim 10 workouts, 10 1/2 hours
bike 9 workouts, 21 hours
run 14 workouts, 42 miles

That's a big record for me for running. Travel and my father's death got in the way of biking very much--I got some good long rides in but 9 workouts is pretty sad.

home again

So many people told us what a wonderful memorial service it was. We kept the service short, but the receiving line took well more than an hour, and after the reception at the church family and out-of-town friends came back to the house. I got involved in talking to lots of people, then crashed about 7 pm (the service had started at 2 pm). We were staying with friends so we could leave. Sunday we went back to the house for a long meeting with the lawyer--no problems, just very complicated. Then we hurried to catch our plane home. I'm not doing too well underneath.

cold weather

We had warm weather until Monday, and then suddenly it went from summer to winter: lows in the 40s and a cold cold wind. For several days I couldn't face going out on my bicycle in the cold, but finally today I got myself out for a little under two hours, wearing long sleeves and a wind vest and knickers and wool knee socks. It was lovely! I had forgotten how nice it is not to be hot.

going in opposite directions

I did some more work with childhood feelings from my first father's death, and ended up angry that I had felt I had to help my mother and my feelings weren't honored. As an adult I am now trying to help my mother; Friday we head to Massachusetts for the memorial service.

the race I'm missing

If I weren't going away this weekend I would have been tempted to sign up for the Orange Crush Duathlon. Though I have my doubts--I looked at the run course map and it includes several of the worst hills in town. My husband gets his heart rate up to his max by walking those hills fast.

I ran 3.6 miles this morning, beginning to increase one run a week beyond the 3 miles three times a week I have been doing for several weeks. I want to do olympic distance triathlons next year, with a 10 K run (6.2 miles). I wouldn't mind doing some running races at that distance this winter, but there isn't much locally at distances in between 5 K and a half marathon.

Saturday

It is a week until the memorial service. I went to Talbots last week to try on the cotton sweater I was interested in, and they didn't have it. Instead, I found a very lightweight fitted boiled wool jacket in black. I bought purple and dark red lightweight stretch cotton-rayon long sleeved tees at Target, so I am all set.

I've been working with the feelings from my first father's death. I was discouraged from expressing those feelings when I was a child, and so I came to believe that if I let them out they would tear me apart. I had a safe place last night to let some out, and when I was done I felt so strange, as if I was now a different person.

running and life

My son's soccer coach told him to run over the break so I said I would wait for him to wake up so we could run together this morning. We set out on my new usual 3.1 mile out and back to the sewage treatment plant. For a little while he ran alongside me, then he started walking and then running to catch up (actually, if he walked fast he could walk as fast as I was running). I tried briefly running fast for me, but that was still easy for him. After we turned around he didn't catch up, but by the time I realized he was out of sight behind me I decided to just finish my run and then drive back and get him. I figured he probably hadn't been paying attention and wouldn't know the route back to the car. The last part of my run I was thinking about what I wanted to say to him about how he needs to find inside himself the willingness to work hard and the motivation to do his best. Then as I was finishing my walking cool down, he came running down the road to the car. I had to table everything I had been thinking about saying to him.

various

The black dress I ordered came and I really wasn't very happy with the way it fit. I had ordered some black washable wool pants and they came and fit perfectly, so I'm going to go try the sweater.

Friday and Saturday was my son's parents weekend, then he came home for fall break. He's still struggling to get all his work done, but his teachers spoke positively about his contributions in class and his understanding the work. It was stressful having 10 minute conferences with all the teachers.

I got in a swim and a bicycle ride of nearly three hours today after church, so I'm behind on my next task to get done during fall break--reading files for a search committee I am chairing. No classes Monday, but I have to take my son to a doctors appointment and a dentist appointment, and that will eat up a lot of the day.

The memorial service for my father is Oct. 29, so we go up there not this week but the end of next week.

today

My daughter is on fall break this week, which means an hour more in my day and not having to be out of the house at 7:35 am to drive her to school. Today I headed out to run at 6:30 instead of 5:30 and got in 3 miles. It felt better than I expected after biking three hours Saturday and two and a half hours Sunday.

Night before last I had an elaborate dream that my husband had not brought me the shoes I asked for so I was going to have to get remarried barefoot. That persuaded me to order a pair of black clogs. I've been struggling with the question of what to wear to the memorial service for my father. I really don't ever dress up. I don't want to feel I am wearing a costume but I also want to give a positive impression. I don't think I can go with too simple an outfit because I don't ever wear jewelry (except a wedding ring); doing so would really feel like dressing up as someone else.

I think I will wear a black dress, for one thing because my daughter wants to wear a skirt. But I will wear clogs, as I don't want to stand all afternoon without my custom orthotics. The other approach I have considered is black wool pants and a black cardigan sweater, but I haven't found the right sweater. I would want something somewhat fitted and what I have found that interests me so far is cotton. My sister told me once I wasn't supposed to mix cotton and wool.

nice weather

We had a couple of rainy days and last night's forecast was for 60% chance of showers today, so when I got up and it wasn't raining I went for a run (not quite 3 miles). When the sun rose I realized that the sky was mostly clear and it was warm and very humid. So instead of waiting until afternoon to ride my bike I decided to hurry to join an 8:30 am group ride. The group was doing 62 miles but I decided that after not riding for more than a week it would be unwise to do the whole ride, so I cut off after 28 and rode about 10 miles back to my car. The temperature was up to 80 by the time I got home.

shoulder

I had a very sore shoulder yesterday--I left swim practice early in tears. It felt almost as sore when I woke up this morning, and by evening the soreness was almost gone. I did think from the beginning that it felt like muscle soreness, not an injury, but that is still weird. I happened to have a massage appointment yesterday and my massage therapist told me that according to a mind-body therapist he works with, shoulders carry grief. I don't feel like I have made any progress in working throught my grief that would make my shoulders better. I did spend an hour in a gathered silence group yesterday, but today has just been busy with work.

I'm doing Community of Hope pastoral care training at church and last night's session was about grief. I asked what is grief, anyway, and how do you feel it? What I finally figured out this morning is that grief isn't a feeling (like happiness or sadness or anger), it is a whole lot of different feelings that come as one adjusts to a loss or change.

An email from JW inspires me to give a little background. My father was a good person and a positive figure in my life, but he was very emotionally shut down. He showed love in actions, never in words or gestures. What strikes me now about losing him is how it changes the pattern and balance of family relationships. And I've lost my dream that this time I would be able to say goodbye--my first father died in an automobile accident a month before my third birthday.

tribute

I'm working on writing a tribute for my father. So many people would want to speak that it is going to be strictly limited to my father's sisters and daughters to keep the service short. My father's sisters and one of my sisters want to do readings, and my other sister wants to talk about what he meant to her. So any more general tribute will be what I do. My mother doesn't want a formal eulogy, so I am trying to put together brief telling anecdotes that add up to something like a story.

home again/Sept. training

I'm home after a weekend in Massachusetts with my mother. It went smoothly, but I don't think I am up to writing about it yet. I have started to write a tribute to my father for the memorial service Oct. 29.

So my month of training instead:

swim: 11 workouts, 10 hrs. 40 min
bike: 14 workouts, 24 hours
run: 12 workouts, 30 miles

The swim and bike are almost double the last couple of months and the run is 25% more, so I am happy with those numbers.