Friday, February 21, 2003

better already

I got someone else to take the job candidate to lunch, and I'm feeling much more relaxed. My back is a bit better, I think mostly because I've tried to tell myself I'm not in control. I was stuck in the idea that if I do the right thing it will get better and if it gets worse it must be because of something wrong that I did. But what I do, within reasonable limits, actually doesn't seem to have much predictable effect, and I was adding to my stress by blaming myself.

I realize that control is a hard issue for me because as a child I didn't have the feeling that my parents were keeping me safe. I think children need to feel that someone else is in control in a beneficent way, and I didn't have that. So I tried to believe I had control, because things outside my control were too frightening. The whole idea that God will make everything come out for the best just doesn't resonate for me. My parents didn't do that.

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