born alone

For several months a poem I memorized years ago has been popping up in my head now and again:

Now Let No Charitable Hope

Now let no charitable hope
Confuse my mind with images
Of eagle and of antelope:
I am by nature none of these.

I was, being human, born alone;
I am, being woman, hard beset;
I live by squeezing from a stone
What little nourishment I get.

In masks outrageous and austere
The years go by in single file;
But none has merited my fear,
And none has quite escaped my smile.

I was convinced it was by Dorothy Parker (famous for "Men don't make passes/ at girls who wear glasses") but it turns out to be by Elinor Wylie.

But what struck me this week is that I am trying to learn to really believe something different: that I was, being human, born in intimate relationship with God.

diabetes

I went for a 6 month appointment with my doctor--she has wanted me to come in every 6 months because of the diabetes. It seems silly. I tested my A1c with a home test kit, which I then took in for the doctor to see. A1c measures average blood sugar for three months; mine was 5.1 (normal range is 4.7-5.7). My doctor said she has never seen anyone control their diabetes the way I have. I wish she didn't see what I am doing as quite so remarkable--it is as if she couldn't imagine that anyone else could do it. My approach suits a certain personality (who likes the idea of "my body, my science experiment"), but it isn't that hard. I don't do it by iron will or self-discipline or obsession but by finding what I enjoy and ways to work around things that cause me problems. I had a cup of supermarket eggnog today before I went out for a slow 6 mile run. It is something I used to enjoy that I couldn't normally have now, but it made a good source of fuel when I was going out for a long slow run right before lunch. (I know it wouldn't work for most people, but I have a cast iron stomach.) The exercise I am doing is a lot (about 10 hours a week) but it is an adventure for me. I told several people today how excited I am by the possibility of running the Clemson Half Marathon. I think I would even be prouder of than than I will be of doing my first international distance triathlon.

I did get one piece of useful feedback by going to the doctor--I got my hemoglobin tested and it was 13.2 (excellent--normal range for women is 12.1-15.1). I have a tendency to be low and since I'm having increased bleeding as a symptom of moving towards menopause it is something I need to manage carefully. Clearly what I am doing (Slow-Fe iron tablets about twice a week) is working.

further reflections

I like the quote Dave gave in his comment:

To ask for what we want is human, to accept what we are given is grace.

But I can accept that for adults more than I can for a child in pain she can't understand.

A friend commented by email that while things won't necessarily be well for individuals, she believes God is at work in leading the human race somewhere through all our pain and struggle. I believe that too, but it doesn't work for me as a way to live with the problem of undeserved suffering. I don't believe that a particular person's suffering is necessary to God's plan. (update 12/7: I didn't mean to imply God has a specific plan but something more like that God's intention for the world includes us learning by trial and error.)

I think the most helpful thing I have heard is the idea of just trying to be at peace when things aren't going to be ok. Peace is a good thing, whether justified or not, and I can see that if I am walking with someone going through a hard time I will be a better companion if I can find peace in myself than if I am frustrated that things aren't getting better.

postal swim meet

I got the preliminary results for the 3,000 yard swim I did. I get the prize for bravery in participating--the slowest time posted (at least among the women). I didn't previously have a record of my final time; it was 1:26:55. I did the first 2,000 yards in 59 minutes so my time for the last 1,000 yards (done separately) was 28 minutes. I'm happy with that.

November totals

swim 13 workouts, 15 hours
bike 8 workouts, 21 1/2 hours
run 13 workouts, 47.7 miles (approx. 12 hours)

That is an increase in totals from last month in all three sports. Weekends away and weeks where I didn't get out on the bike during the workweek cut my number of bike workouts, but I got in long rides.

Today my long run was 5.5 miles, and we had done a breaststroke kick set at masters swim practice this morning. My legs were pretty sore by the time my run was done, but nothing that felt like injury.

evolution

We had a good time at St. Christopher's talking with a historian of science who is currently working on science in the heroic age of Antarctic exploration. He has previously written several books on evolution. I was still sitting at brunch when he stopped by to say goodbye. When he had left, the woman sitting next to me said she had seen him quoted (assumably on the subject of evolution) and asked me if he took a Christian approach and talked about creationism. I said he is a Christian who believes in evolution, there are plenty of those. She started to say something and then stopped herself.

what God gives us

Yes, I notice that I left out a line of the Johnny Appleseed grace. It actually says:

And so I thank the Lord
For giving me the things I need:
The sun, the rain and the appleseed;

But then I don't believe that God does give us everything we need, or in Julian of Norwich's words: "All will be well."

I try very hard to believe in God's abundance, particularly in the sense of not seeing life as a zero-sum game. But I also have seen friends who tried so hard to heal and make a life and just kept getting beaten down by more bad things happening. One friend in particular is at peace now, but I don't believe God gave her in her lifetime enough for her to find any way out of terrible suffering, even though she tried so hard for so long.

I don't like the theory that God doesn't intervene because that would take away our free will--follow that to its logical conclusion and you end up believing God never intervenes, and what use is that? I certainly don't believe that God sends us bad experiences for our own good (though we may in the end be able to extract good from them). So I end up believing that God does help us, but not enough. For some reason (something like it causes too much confusion if God goes around violating the laws of nature), God can't help us very much, but God tries and we can look for that.

I don't believe we are necessarily going to get what we need, only that we can focus on what God does give us. Barbara Crafton says today:

Live in the present, but live also in hopeful preparation for good things. That way, your happiness is increased: you get to anticipate delight and then you get to enjoy it.

Now, the reverse isn't true: we're never well served by dreading the future. It just ensures that we will experience every bad thing twice, once before it happens and then again when it does.

It isn't good logic, but looking on the good side I find helpful as a way to live.