C. S. Lewis

The New Yorker has a startling piece this week on C. S. Lewis. I loved the Chronicles of Narnia as a child but when I tried reading them to my children I was bothered by the British social snobbery (most noticeable in the beavers who are condescending described as honorable poor people). I think I read one of Lewis's Christian books, or maybe I have just heard them referred to so many times I think I have. The article points out that there is a different view of Lewis than the Christian one. I don't agree with the conclusions drawn, for example the author apparently cannot grasp at all the religious value of doubt. But the article is full of fascinating things I didn't know about Lewis, as well as a very interesting critique of the Christian symbolism in the Chronicles of Narnia.

fathers and God

The book that started me on the journey towards being baptised (in 1981) and joining a church was Beyond God the Father by Mary Daly. So I'm not someone who thinks of God as father, in fact I am careful not to use "he" for God. But child experience still has a lot to do with our concepts of God. I realized yesterday while talking with my spiritual director that because I am feeling so abandoned by the death of my fathers (one when I was two and one not quite two months ago) I am feeling disconnected from God. She talked about feeling that God is present so everything will be ok. I felt that implied that God would protect us and I very intensely said God can't be counted on to do that. I do believe that when I was a child God helped me survive, but oh I needed so much more.

I tend to experience God with me in the healing process, but before I turn that corner to healing I'm not good at being aware of God with me. I think I'm beginning to turn the corner, at least to work more productively on the abandonment feelings. I'm glad to be reminded to look for God.

long run

I ran 4 1/2 miles yesterday in about an hour and 7 minutes--a bit faster pace than my 4 mile long run last week because I was worried about it getting dark. My hip was sore afterwards but stretching seemed to help. What impressed me most was how I settled in and didn't think about what I was doing and the time passed quickly. I had swum in the morning but then had a busy day with teaching and finishing up preliminary interviews for the search I am running and it felt really good to get out and run. If I can keep increasing my long run by 1/2 mile a week I will run the Clemson Half Marathon in February. I think my husband and daughter are going to speedwalk the 5k held at the same time. The cutoffs are four hours for the half marathon (I hope to do it in three) and one hour for the 5k, so it is definitely a slow people welcome event.

mistakes

I discovered two mistakes today. I arranged with the other members of the search committee to do telephone interviews Monday, and then when I emailed the candidates I wrote Nov. 15 as the date for the interview. I sent a second email to one candidate saying Monday, and he pointed out the mistake and we straightened it out. I just this minute got an email from the other one saying that Monday will work for him too.

Then I started to fill out a form for my daughter to participate in the Duke University Talent Identification Program, and discovered that the postmark deadline was Nov. 1. I filled it out anyway and wrote a note asking for it to be considered late (explaining I lost track of it because my father had died). But there are some benefits to blogging. I went to their web site to put a link in this post, and discovered the deadline has been extended and I could sign up on-line!

A 2 1/2 hour bike ride had helped how badly I was feeling about the mistakes only a little, but a shower and finding that they can be fixed has me feeling much better.

long swim

2,000 yards in 59 minutes! Not fast by real swimmer standards, but I am happy. And I didn't feel beat when I was done--if I had had time I would have been comfortable going for the whole 3,000 yards.

hanging in there

I'm struggling with childhood feelings of being left alone with my pain. Worked on it yesterday but ended up somewhat retraumatized, though I also got to some healing. So I distract myself with my training. Today we were supposed to do a swim competition--3,000 yards (or however much I could do in an hour). It is what is called a postal swim meet: you swim wherever you usually swim and send in a time. But the coach forgot to set his alarm, and he was going to do all the timing, so when he didn't show up we couldn't do it. Beautiful weather this afternoon and the workshop I was supposed to go to was postponed so I got in a long run--4 miles. That is the farthest I have run, and it felt good.

home again

The conference was hard. I chaired one committee meeting and participated actively in three others. I went to two interest group meetings. I didn't get to many sessions but I heard a wonderful lecture on how discussions of Darwin's character have changed over time. I received an award.

The strangest thing was that when I stood up to say my few words when I received my award, I couldn't speak for a moment. I don't remember that ever happening to me before. It was partly that what I had written out presumed that the citation for the award would be focused differently than it was, but I was more aware of looking out and seeing all those people. I wonder if it was somehow a delayed reaction from my father's funeral--I was wearing the same pants and jacket and similarly standing at a high podium.