fathers and God

The book that started me on the journey towards being baptised (in 1981) and joining a church was Beyond God the Father by Mary Daly. So I'm not someone who thinks of God as father, in fact I am careful not to use "he" for God. But child experience still has a lot to do with our concepts of God. I realized yesterday while talking with my spiritual director that because I am feeling so abandoned by the death of my fathers (one when I was two and one not quite two months ago) I am feeling disconnected from God. She talked about feeling that God is present so everything will be ok. I felt that implied that God would protect us and I very intensely said God can't be counted on to do that. I do believe that when I was a child God helped me survive, but oh I needed so much more.

I tend to experience God with me in the healing process, but before I turn that corner to healing I'm not good at being aware of God with me. I think I'm beginning to turn the corner, at least to work more productively on the abandonment feelings. I'm glad to be reminded to look for God.