Thursday, December 18, 2008


My laptop was in the shop for three days, but I've also been depressed. I'm not sure why it has hit me so strongly--it doesn't seem to be one big thing but just the accumulated burden.

John seems reasonably content with the way things are now, but I still feel guilty about the things he was complaining about a couple of weeks ago.

I walked through the house we want to move back to with the designer on a bleak day with the heat off and his estimate of what the work will cost is twice what I had thought. Not impossible, as the house we are currently in is the more valuable one (both bigger and in a prime location), but I thought I had all the money I needed lined up and I wouldn't have to worry about that and it isn't looking that way.

I continue to hear more discouraging news about the program I run at work. My job is secure, but what I've built is not.

We are going away Dec. 23rd on another big trip. I'm trying to keep track of what needs to be done. The first few days it will just be John and I and our kids, but much of the time we will be with my sisters, their husbands and kids, and my mother. I always feel torn between being myself and fitting in and I also wonder how they will react to where John is now.

Our daughter is discouraged after a tough semester at school.

I'm still not fully recovered from my sinus infection--now I'm having coughing fits. I haven't been able to do my regular exercise. And the antibiotic has thrown off my digestive system a bit.

People tell me to take things a day at a time and I just feel like a failure because I don't know how to do that. Somebody has to plan. I am too uptight about making mistakes, but I can't change that, except very very slowly.

1 comment:

no1daughteroflewydad said...

Hello Pam,

I am sorry to read you are doing it tough at the moment.
Remember you are grieving, grieving for John and for what could have been. This takes its toll on the body.
My Mum passed away last year. The immediate couple of months following, I found my stress levels way high and coping with simple tasks like organising and paying bills...well I'd organise my plan and have to double check, then I had to write a sequential list so I did things in I'm back to feeling ok and I just automatically do things again without a second thought.
Don't be too tough on yourself.

Also I recently started a blog about my journey with my Dad and Lewy

I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and have a great holiday with your family.