I asked John if he would share responsibility for Christmas and he said something that sounded to me like "if you tell me what to do." I said I would be glad to discuss issues, but I didn't count it as sharing responsibility if he waits for me to bring the subject up, decide what needed to be done, and tell him what to do. He said he would try.
I'm not sure any of this is going to work. But I think it is worth a try. In Families, Illness, and Disabillity, John S. Rolland writes that
Both partners need to realize that sustaining intimacy depends largely on establishing viable caregiving boundardies. Even the strongest relationships are strained by the ambiguities and discrepancies in shifts between two forms of relating: patient-caregiver and equal partners.And that: "one of the key tasks of the chronic phase" is "maximizing autonomy for all family members given the constrains of the disorder." (pp. 245, 247)