When we met with the therapist today, John said he felt I see him as incompetent. I said it isn't that I see him as incompetent, but I do find I have to do almost everything, and that comes to almost the same thing on a practical level. As we talked back and forth about his not getting done things he said he would do, he said: "I don't think you understand that it took me all evening to load the dishwasher." There you have it--I can't expect him to do very much because the disease makes him so slow. To me, that makes my dilemma clear. I could load the dishwasher in 20 minutes, probably less(we had one guest for dinner last night and a slightly more complex meal than usual) .
I suppose I need to learn to count effort, that he spent all evening doing a family task. But I'm still panicked about how can I possibly do everything myself, particularly when I go back to teaching next week. So it scares me that he can get done so little. I know I should encourage him to do as much as possible. But isn't there a better use of his time than spending all evening loading the dishwasher? I don't think there is; he is now both loading and unloading the dishwasher when I cook after a conversation about his doing more than his share of things he can still do.
I know my attitude is lousy. I'm thrashing; I'm just not good at this. But the only way I know to get to a better place is to be honest about my feelings.