forgiveness

I have such a hard time feeling the pattern of forgiveness--I didn't grow up with it. I was trying today to work with child feelings, with me as an older child who blamed me as a younger child for wanting the abuse. On one level I can understand it wasn't my fault, it is never the fault of a child. But there were things I did to provoke it, not knowing any better, and I thought maybe it would be more helpful to try to work with the idea of forgiving. The trouble is, it is just so hard to grasp that idea that one can say what I did sometimes made it worse but it can be forgiven, I am still deserving of love. I said I could feel that maybe 20%.