Friday, March 05, 2004

it's not about me

Working on issues about my father's death a month before my third birthday, I went further into what I have inside me about what my mother felt at the time. And I realized that a lot of her confusion came from issues she had from when she was a child and her parents divorced. I've felt that I was as a child terribly caught up in her confused feelings, because I didn't have any other role model of what I might feel about my father's death. But now I see her feelings came from her past, they had very little to do with what was actually going on. All that confusion and guilt is her stuff, it doesn't have anything to do with me. It is a weight I suddenly don't need to carry any more. My first reaction is shock at being less important and my second reaction is to feel confused and out of balance. It isn't easy being freed.

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