Wednesday, November 19, 2003

I'm here, sort of

Lots of appointments, including a big one that got rescheduled from today to yesterday. And tomorrow I head out for the History of Science Society annual meeting.

I was brought up short last week when I asked myself the question "Why am I doing this?" about working so hard to get my blood sugar into the normal range. I realized that I was just doing it so the doctors can't say "It's your fault." The rational answer would be that keeping my blood sugar in the normal range is the best way to avoid complications later on, but that doesn't work for me on a deeper level because there are feelings deep inside me of wanting to be disabled (wanting my pain to be visible). I struggled with some of those issues yesterday and where I ended up was to just say that I'm working on controlling my blood sugar because it is interesting. For example, how do certain foods affect me, and affect me differently at different times? That it is interesting is a good enough reason for the moment.

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