so many

things to do. I've got late afternoon meetings and evening meetings the rest of this week, but I did get in a good bike ride of a bit more than an hour yesterday. I'm trying to shift my focus from going far to going fast, but this terrain is so hilly that I'm mostly thinking about hills. My 16 mile ride has 6 hills where I am in first gear for half a mile.

journey

We were talking about trusting the journey in Sunday school today. One person said he thinks of the line "I learn by going where I need to go." The poem is The Waking (1953) by Theodore Roethke.

still struggling

I found myself saying "I don't want to know alternatives." It is so hard for me to have confidence in myself and what I am doing in my inner journey, alternatives feel like criticism that my way is making it harder. I look in the outside world like I have confidence in my own opinions, but all of that doesn't feel very solid. I felt terrible about saying I don't want to know alternatives; I feel that is indefensible and doesn't match up with my own values. The person I was talking to said: "you don't have to defend it."

science, technology, and society

There seems to be an opportunity for this program to grow, and people who are enthusiastic and just want someone to do the organizing. Do I want to do that? I tend to wait for opportunities to fall in my lap and this one seems to be doing so in a big way.

threads

Very busy with a guest speaker here today and tomorrow.

I got my new Brooks bicycle saddle and, as I had hoped, right from the beginning it is more comfortable than the modern saddles I tried (despite the scare stories about taking 6 months to break in). I rode almost 40 miles Saturday on my old saddle. The first 4 1/2 miles were with my kids, which was stressful, but they are psyched to work their way up to do a 15 mile ride the first weekend in October (to the first rest stop on a 25 mile route). I rode about 20 miles Sunday on the new saddle and didn't come home sore.

All of that keeps me from getting too upset about the memory issue, but I really don't know how to trust myself the way I need to in order to get through this.

memory

A person I work with says that research shows that memory is very unreliable, so his approach is there is no way of knowing what really happened, just work with the feelings. He said he had had experience of having to realize that his own memories (topic unspecified) were systematically distorted, but he wasn't in any way trying to lead me in that direction. I find his views very threatening. I don't want to claim that all memories are literally true, but if I can't believe that my memories average out to a reasonably accurate summary of at least part of my experience then how can I trust myself? And if I can't trust myself then how can I change my world view from the one I grew up with to one that works for me and my children? He says he supports me in believing myself. It isn't going to be easy for me to do so knowing how he sees the issue.

summer is over

Classes start tomorrow. I'm desperately trying to finish a few more revisions to the Forest Service manuscript so I can send it out. I did get my syllabi done yesterday. I'm trying to figure out a new exercise routine, but it isn't going to be easy to find time on weekdays to bicycle.

I did go out for about an hour and a half in the middle of the day today. A young guy dressed up as a very serious cyclist passed me, and then when I turned onto another road he made a u-turn and turned onto the road I was on and passed me again. When I turned off that road I wondered if he was going to do it again--I was going to call out to him "You shouldn't be proud of passing me--I'm old enough to be your mother." Actually, I was pleased with myself he didn't leave me behind too quickly.