accepting ourselves

I want to say something like this at church this evening, as a personal sharing leading towards Susie's sermon on forgiveness.

When I was small and adults abused me, I though I deserved it. I thought there must be some evil in me that they recognized, that made me deserve abuse. I think I just couldn't bear to believe that their hurtful behavior was totally out of my control. I wanted to believe that if only I did the right thing they would stop hurting me. If it was my fault then I could stop the pain by changing myself, which seemed much more possible than changing them.

It has been hard to accept that I was powerless, that it wasn't my fault. It is so easy to fall back into thinking if only I had tried harder, if only I had kept saying no, maybe I could have stopped them. The first step isn't to forgive them, it is to believe that I was small and scared and had no control over the behavior of adults. To believe that whatever I did or didn't do, the abuse was not my fault. If we could first believe that everyone deserves to be honored, to be treated with respect and kindness, even ourselves, then it seems to me that forgiveness takes on a different meaning. It may take a long time to get there, and that is ok.

The service ended with this song (from this album).

feminism

My daughter goes to a very liberal boarding school in Massachusetts. It is so liberal that their textbook for their required sex ed course is by Scarlateen. Today in history class the history teacher asked how many students were feminists. My daughter was the only one who raised her hand. She was shocked by that, and I am too. I'm also proud of her and feel complimented.

I'm probably not going to stay up to watch (via live blogging) Tony finish his marathon swim (26 miles in a pool!), but I am moved by his dedication.

taxes

I tried to get our taxes done in February in order to fill out the college financial aid forms but finally I had to estimate--there were too many significant forms that hadn't come. Now it is less pressing because our son didn't qualify for need-based financial aid. I'm glad I'm not still in a hurry because some forms from Social Security still haven't come. But today I gathered the rest of the missing material.

I discovered that I was missing property tax information because I hadn't paid the tax. Oops. I'm sure the bill got sent to the company for the mortage we paid off instead of to us, but I paid another property tax and never realized I hadn't paid the tax for our home. Taxes are embarrassingly low down here so the penalty is not a big deal. But it makes me feel incompetent and overloaded. I should at least be glad that I've found all the information the tax preparer needs.

twitter

Why did I sign up for Twitter? I've been enjoying posting a facebook status update once a day or so. It isn't that hard to do through my iPod Touch, but somehow I got the idea that going through Twitter would make it easier. Partly it is that what I spend the most time on on the web shifts every few months. These days it is Alzheimer's spouses forums and Facebook. Last fall it was the Well Spouse Association forums and Ask the Doctor at the National Parkinson's Foundation.

snow

When I drove past Bowman Field the students were standing around as if they had never seen snow before. Here is a picture of them from the webcam.

menopause

I've never taken birth control pills (I've used a diaphram for birth control all my reproductive life). So I'm going through something I've discovered is getting rarer, natural menopause. My sisters were interested in my experience but then we realized they will have a different experience because they will reach menopause by stopping taking the pill.

I had no idea that the process took so long. I've been aware of changes for at least five years, though the first change was that my periods became regular for the first time in my life. I've had mild hot flashes for years--the only problem is that I wake up at night and throw off the covers and then wake up again freezing. Then I went through at least a year of three months on, three months off.

It has only been four months but I see more changes, so I think I am finally done that stage. The hot flashes are a little more noticeable, but still not a problem. The dryness is what I notice most. I've long used Astroglide, but this is all the time. I was surprised how hard a time I had finding non-medical non-herbal remedies on the web. My symptoms aren't bothering me enough to make me want to alter the natural process, I just want something to soothe the dryness. What I've found that looks very promising to me is grapeseed oil.